Right I’ve finally had a bit of time to sit so I’m going to give you guys an update.
As I have mentioned and you may have noticed, a lot has changed. Let’s just summarise things to make it more simple:
1) I’m not tracking calories
2) I’m not tracking macros
3) I’m not tracking calories burnt through exercise
4) I’m not weighing myself regularly. (haven’t since mid-late august)
All of this is in an effort to normalize my relationship with food. I’m consciously working towards eating/cooking/making healthy, whole food, but I’m listening to my body more. I’m allowing myself treats and not allowing myself guilt over food. I’m exercising and enjoying it for what it is rather than an abstract number that represents my relationship with gravity.
So I’ve been at this for about…4 weeks, I’d say.
The results are very much positive! Instead of focusing all my energy on the shape of my body, I’ve been working harder to dress well and in a way that makes me feel good about myself. I’ve invested in new makeup and started painting my nails and putting some capital into decorating my new flat. I would say I’ve been quite aware of what I’m eating, but trying quite hard to spare myself any judgement for eating “bad” things.
I’ve felt much better about myself ( self esteem has gone way up! ) And I dare say I’ve even slimmed down a little bit. Which I think may simply be less stress and giving myself over to life more rather than investing all my time in trying to work off or not eat food.
I’m gonna weigh myself at the end of September just to check in and see what kind of effect it has had from that standpoint, but also to reinforce the idea that whatever the number may be, it has no power over me. If I’m happy and healthy, that is enough. I’m keeping with this fitness first approach. It feels sustainable, it feels like the new normal!
In personal terms, I’m back in Manchester and settling into my schedule for my final year of uni. It’s been quite good so far, I’ve gone out with Luke a lot and we’re better than ever :) next week is his birthday and then the week after is our 4 year anniversary. Can you believe it? And I would say we are happier and more in love than ever. Going back to omnivore-ism has been a such a positive move for the both of us, but I would say Luke particularly is thriving these days. He’s a different person than he was 4 months ago, both physically and mentally. I’m so pleased to see him as happy and vibrant as he is now! He also grew a lot of muscles while I was home in America :P :P :P <3
I’m also a captain of the Manchester riding teams as well, and trials are this Wednesday. I’m a little nervous about ‘judging’ people and picking the teams, but I’m also kind of excited. It’s been nice to be more involved so far in everything, and I’m hoping to ride on the A team this year. I found out too that it will be pretty much cost-neutral for me- one of the perks of being captain! :) so yeah I’ll be quite busy with that this year.
I’m also facing a big task with my masters application. There’s a lot of options going forward, in terms of where I could do it. I would prefer to stay in Manchester for many reasons, not least of which is staying near Luke while he finishes his degree and possibly moving in together next year. I’m not completely turned off the idea of moving somewhere else close (ish) by, like Liverpool or Leeds , or even as far as Birmingham. But it makes me really anxious to think about that because I’ve built a support network here with all my friends and the staff and the riding stuff… it’s just quite intimidating to think about moving somewhere completely new and being all alone, particularly on a masters course where I don’t think it’s quite as sociable as an undergrad. It’d be good for things like work experience and stuff I suppose , having all that time to myself, but I’m not sure. There’s a lot of pressure from the parents to broaden my horizons (as far as returning back to America…but that’s not on my to do list for the next couple years) so I’m trying to give it a shot for their sake and I guess for mine a bit, but my hearts not totally in it. I’m growing to love Manchester as my home away from home. Luke is willing to make it work wherever I go (though he did say if I went back to America for it it would break his heart. No doubt it would break mine as well) so that’s reassuring. But still. I’m not sure. It gets very overwhelming to think about at times.
Anyway I think that’s a pretty decent summary of my life at the minute! Some stress, some happy things, some things to work on. Overall life’s going fairly well and I’ve not much to complain about :) I hope all of you are well and I hope to post more in the coming weeks!